When I went to the US, I had numerous beer goals in mind. One that I thought I would achieve pretty easily was getting the ‘All American’ badge on every beer geek’s favourite app, Untappd. I mean, I was going to be SURROUNDED by American beer, so surely this badge would just happen, right?
WRONG! It actually ended up being the most difficult process I’ve had to endure to score a badge. Here’s how my nightmare unfolded…
The clue on Untappd goes like this – “Tough one here – drink the popular American beers (Coors, Bud, Miller) – plus a special Platinum beer from Bud…” I thought this was pretty self explanatory myself, but the last thing I wanted to do was waste the little beer time I had left trying random macro lagers. So to keep things simple I turned to the web to find a list of the 7 beers that I needed. But my Google skills failed me; all I found were posts complaining to Untappd…”I’ve drunk these 20 American beers, why don’t I have the badge?!”…It seemed I was going to need to use some common sense.
So I went back to the clue. It mentions Coors, Bud and Miller – so there’s my first three. And since the most popular beers seem to be ‘Light’, I figured Coors light, Bud Light and Miller Light would be a sane choice. Then there’s the special Platinum beer from Bud, which I cleverly deduced to refer to Bud Light Platinum. That’s seven. Wait, could it really be that simple?
Yep, it really was. I’ve no idea why anyone finds this difficult to figure out.
Figuring out the beers was the easy part; drinking them was a different matter. I had Coors Light early in the trip, the other six I drank in one sitting in my Chicago Hotel. The words ‘hell on earth’ are probably a little harsh, but it comes close to explaining what the experience was like. Here’s a quick rundown of each brew:
I had this at the Ice Hockey in DC. The bartender laughed at me when I ordered it. I understood why once I started drinking it. The aluminium bottle is pretty funky though.
Well…it’s in the biggest can I’ve ever seen. That’s something, right? It’s literally the colour of piss. As for the flavour…it’s hard to hate, because there’s nothing really there to hate. It’d be like hating water because you don’t like the flavour. It’s weird that the can doesn’t have an alcohol percentage on it.
Bud Light Platinum
It looks like a bottle of SKYY vodka, which is kinda cool. It has a bit more flavour than your standard Bud Light, and honestly I like it a little bit more. There’s a certain ‘party popcorn’ quality that’s not offensive. This eventually turns into a flavour that I can’t explain – maybe it’s what the metal Platinum actually tastes like? Maybe it’s just the alcohol affecting me – how can a ‘light’ beer can be 6% ABV?!
Read the Bud Light comments, because this is the same stuff. I did a proper colour test this time by pouring half the giant can in the toilet. Yep, just like piss.
Yep, you read it correctly…THIS IS A BEER FROM THE EPIC LIST! Remember, the list isn’t the 1001 BEST beers in the world, just the 1001 to try before you die. Some are on the list because they’re just iconic for a particular country, which is where Bud slips in – many people around the world believe this is the ONLY beer available in the US. Thank god they’re wrong…
As for the beer itself – it’s better than Bud Light, and Bud Light Platinum…but not by much. At least the can is honest about the rice that goes into it. And I’ll ask it again – why do these cans need to be so damn big?!
I had this while I was eating lunch, an absolutely amazing burrito. I finished the burrito, I didn’t finish the beer.
Please let this be the last beer I need for this fucking badge so I can end this pain…
YES. I GOT IT!
So ended one of my worst beer experiences to date. I only hope my efforts can help some people to achieve this badge without needing to try 20 random US lagers. May it also serve as a warning not to try all of these beers in one sitting – it’s an experience that I don’t wish upon anyone.